Things I’m judging food and service on:

  • Taste. Well this one is obvious, but, um, very nuanced. When I say taste, what I really mean is the sum experience of that first bite of whatever the dish is. I’m evaluating the reality of the dish versus the expectation. Because eating is subjective, it’s difficult to move past this initial impression, but not impossible, and especially if everything else is there. What is everything else?
  • Texture: there’s two basic criteria here. the first is “Does this dish have the texture I expect for it?” and the second is “Are there textures that play off each other? does it give me more to enjoy or is it just noise?” There are a few hard and fast texture rules I’m looking for: Pasta has a bit of bite to it (al dente), proteins have some moisture, etc.
  • Scent: tightly tied to taste, impossible to ignore. The minimum bar is that nothing smells “off”, but if I get a pleasant smell, all the better.
  • Plating and appearance: How food looks does matter! but this one has really gotten abused as of late, and I blame instagram. Too many people trying to show off. Generally I’m looking for the same basic things I look for in an interface design: using the space of the plate well, and that it is put together with some thought. Plating should tell me what to pay attention to, and tell me what to expect.
  • “Volume” - for lack of a better term. Think of each ingredient as an insrument in a band. Keyboard, Bass, Drums, and Rhythm make for an enjoyable sound with competent players; so do String Quartets. Occasionally a band will come along and find a way to but an electric violin in a rock group and it sounds alright; but it’s very, very, very difficult to get a lot of different instruments to sound good together. The vast majority of American casual food has too many instruments at play; the cacophony means no one instrument takes the lead, and its usually the fat, slimy texture and shame you remember from the meal. When you go to a great restaurant and they pull off a complex dish with a lot of different flavors - that’s the problem they are solving. Similarly, if you go to a more every day place and they make a dish sing with a handful of ingredients, they really know what they are doing.
  • Service. Mainly I’m looking for prompt and polite. That doesn’t mean they take abuse and it doesn’t mean they are butlers, but I’m definitely looking for them to move with a sense of urgency and to make me feel like a guest and not a burden. I almost always ask for a recommendation when I go to a new place; I want to see what they actually like about where they work I also, almost always, take the recommendation if I ask for one - if I don’t I make sure they know I didn’t waste their time by asking. Last, tipping is antiquated and really classist (and everyone should make a living wage and not have to rely on them), but if a tip is requested, always tip at least 10% - I usually tip closer to 20%.
  • Cleanliness. Again, I’m not looking for sterile lab conditions in the dining room - I think most of the time if the health inspector has signed off on a place I don’t have anything to be concerned about there. I am however looking for a sense of pride about the place, as evidenced by cleanliness. If I can see into the kitchen I want to see organisation and communication among the back of house. I want to see rollups done consistently and well.

Automatic Fails

The staff is rude - Service industry jobs are HARD. But they can’t take it out on a customer, ever. Staff should be knowledgeable, polite, and prompt. To be totally truthful, this is less of an issue than one might imagine. More often, I’ve seen a complete lack of civility from a certain cohort of customers, usually 35-70 year old rich white people. The grace with which most staff handle these situations can not be overstated. Related: Yelp is the actual worst, too. The wait times are “long” - unless noted (like a souflé), courses shouldn’t take more than 15 minutes to get to table from order. I don’t sit there with a stop watch, but you can just know when something isn’t going well. Only applies for once you order. Obvious health code issues - tables not getting bussed properly, food on the floor, Burnt, bitter, or undercooked food - duh, right? Failure to meet expectations - let’s say you and I go to a pita place. Let’s say we order gryo meat in pitas, with hummus. You’d be upset if you got fried fish on white bread, right? Most of this is about consistency and thought. If you say you’re serving a dish, have some pride and make sure what you’re serving is what you think it is. I’m thinking especially of places that aren’t Italian spots serving something they call “spaghetti”, though this is less of a problem than it used to be. Everything a restaurant does is someone’s choice, and those set a customer’s expectations walking in. Be what you are and do a great job at it.

Gray Area

Heat - I’m not a heat person, and my wife even less so. Some people are and more power to them. For me, I like some heat, especially if combined with some sweet (think Szechuan or Thai). Me, Personally, I’m usually not adding more heat to a dish beyond the El Yucateco Green Chile Habanero (8900 Scoville), and usually I like 2000-4000 Scoville (Like Crystals) as a heat range for most food where it is appropriate. Did I qualify this enough? If all I can taste is heat, it’s not good food.

This was more rambling than I originally intended but the point is that I really enjoy food and I enjoy people and I love places (including homes) that allow me to enjoy both. I think about what I am eating and who is serving not because I’m some kind of food snob but because thinking about it helps me find more enjoyment and empathy for the experience and the work that went in to making the food.