For the five of you that read this, you may wonder what has happened to me? I’ve not dropped dead, and I’ve not quit writing, I’ve just shifted a bunch of things off line. This isn’t a luddite thing, either; I’ve just been doing more journaling of all varieties and generally haven’t felt like anything has been all that composed lately.

The other thing is a huge personal struggle has been resolved. And while the tangible parts of it aren’t life changing, the emotional and psychological parts are already starting to bear fruit. I’m seeing things in my past in a new light, for instance, and because of how sensitive those things are, I’m reluctant to write about them here. Especially because I want to filter these things through a professional therapist, and not just vomit them out.

One change that’s a direct result of that getting resolved is that I feel relieved of so much baggage. I feel freed and unencumbered in a way that I don’t know I’ve ever felt. I think some of what is happening here is just getting older, but it is also coinciding with this big resolution. I think that these things aren’t coincidental nor causal of each other - I think they are happening at the same time, but the true cause is more subtle than X causing Y.

What’s this new feeling? That I’m finally my own person. That I’m not doing things for or because of anyone else. I really am choosing just about everything and everyone in my life, each day, and it feels great. Yes, I have lots of stuff to pick up, clean off, and put away from my past, but I finally feel able to recall with out reliving (^) things.

Actually, there’s plenty that I can’t recall, especially between ages 4-12. That’s one of those things I want to work with someone about. But I finally don’t afraid to recall those things. They’ve lost some power over me. It’s like I’m awakening from a spell. It’s weird but very exciting because if I have been under a proverbial spell until now, that means I have the chance to choose for myself now.

So, I’m going through some stuff and writing for public consumption isn’t the highest priority right now, but I’m not going to stop writing here either.

Anyway - things are going well as the semester starts for Meg and things at work are changing too, but in this way that feels in line with the person I want to be. I’m getting a little emotional even thinking about it (and I’ll write a post about it someday soon), but my work family has really stepped up in my life and more good things are coming on that track. I’m not using work family as a joke there, either. They really have taken me in like one of their own, and I’m really grateful for that.

Privacy is a weird concept these days for a lot of reasons, but one thing I can say is that I’m no longer private as a response to feelings of shame and inadequacy that I have lugged around for so long. It’s nice to be comfy in your own skin, and I wish I had been able to be this way years ago.

^ === This phrasing is the key diagnostic of post traumatic stress, and is not an unintentional choice. As Meg points out, that I have such difficulty recalling most of my childhood outside of basic facts, might mean I’ve been unwilling or unable to recall with out reliving.